Never realized until I hit the highway one late Friday afternoon how traffic has become so congested again, despite being in the middle of our 6th wave of covid. That said, a serious accident on highway 401 didn’t help. However, given it was my mother’s 94th birthday, I had planned to venture out and pick up her favorite food, rather than have her endure my cooking yet again during this protracted pandemic.
A week ago I sat down for lunch with 8 old friends. As a result, at least 6 of us were tested positive and showed symptoms of omicron after our otherwise happy gathering. Having had covid during the first wave likely has shielded me from being infected again. I showed no symptom and my two rapid tests 36 hours apart were both negative. Yet, as a precaution, I have been eating my meals away from the rest at the dinner table. It poses a problem though when my mother’s helper is away. While Mom can theoretically feed herself mechanically, her dementia causes her to stop and stare at her food for protracted period of time if not assisted. The solution is to assist feeding her first with my mask on, and then have my meal away from her when she is finished.
Back to that Friday night on her 94th birthday. Needless to say, it was well past 9pm when we sat down at the dinner table, after I finally made it home at a snail’s pace on 401. I watched Mom ate as I used spoon and chopsticks to carefully put sliced pieces of food in her mouth. I could see that she was enjoying her food even though she didn’t say much. I remember once asking Mom, “Are you happy?”. She looked at me and said “I don’t know”. May be she has forgotten what ‘happy’ means, or maybe she can no longer verbally express her feelings. But then she paused, smiled at me and said, “Give me a hug”. To which I gladly offered. Now my stomach began to grumble as feeding Mom took time and I was so tempted to put down my mask momentarily and quickly gobble down the delicious looking food which was beginning to turn cold.
I remember a trip to Germany with my mother and brother quite a number of years ago. My father has already passed away then. Having breakfast one morning in the hotel restaurant, my mother watched admiringly at an elderly gentleman patiently and painstakingly feeding his wife in a wheelchair. My Mom commented, “He must love her very much”. That scene and her comment stuck in my mind since.
Someone looking at Mom being fed lovingly on her 94th birthday in the comfort of her home, albeit a little late for dinner for an old lady, may well say, “She’s so blessed!”. Yet the truth of the matter is that the blessings are on me. You see, while Mom has her physical, and may I dare say her emotional, needs met, she now lacks the full faculty to enjoy or appreciate the intricacies involved. On the contrary, while I had to delay my gluttonous gratification for a moment, my joy of meeting her need, when her needs are needed most, is both instantaneous and long lasting. At least, until my own memory begins to fade. As such, my doze of blessings are more than hers.
People who either know me for a long time or have just met Mom and I a few times often commented, “You are such a wonderful son”. I wish I am. But the truth of the matter is, “I don’t know”. The reality is that I have not been tested. It would be a true compliment and I would gladly accept it, if only my mother is a difficult ill tempered person, and I treat her the same nonetheless. The fact is that she isn’t and she has never been. I would rather not be tested though, as I will likely fail. Even as limited as she is now, she watches out for those caring for her and never forgets to give thanks. With dementia, one can get disinhibited and she says what is on her mind uncensored. Yet, what comes out are all genuine and kind words. One time, looking at the hands of a new helper intently, she commented, “Your hands are so fat, you must eat a lot.” The helper who doesn’t speak Cantonese asked my brother what she said. To that, he mumbled something sheepishly in embarrassment. Mom has regressed to a little child, a fun, happy and a very good nature one. Happy birthday Mom.
vinaxios 